Facebook is still only 12 years old in 2016 when I write this blog article, although it feels like it has been part of our lives forever...
Most of my friends who are similar in age to me or older are still not on Facebook. They still think that Facebook is just for "young" people and it's all junk. Let's not go there right now! :)
Those of us, who belong to the "older" generation on Facebook, our lives are in a very different stage and what interests us, might be quite different from my students. Being a teacher, my social circle is probably quite different from the average member's. Many of my ex-students are from Hungary. Those relationships with them are very different from my students from Australia or other places. It is hard to explain why... Maybe because I was a young, beginner teacher teaching music and running a 120-member children's choir travelling and performing a lot. The experience we lived through together in music is a very strong bond. Maybe because our school, the Kodaly School is one of the most unique schools in the world, no doubt about that. We had a very special relationship that lasted despite the 22 years that I have spent in Australia and the 15,549km-s that separate us.
It is lovely to see their lives unfolding on Facebook. Getting their degrees, finding their life partners, seeing the pictures of their first, second, third children and how quickly they grow up. Pictures of my friends' holidays, traveling, dinners, lunches and even breakfast shakes while the world goes by. In the meantime we see the tragedies that the news share with us, the consequences of our human acts and how we kill living habitats of our Earth and destroy our planet. Pictures of war, terror acts and the terrible things that some human beings do. Not a happy sight!
There is much talk about how we pretend on Facebook. How we all try to put up the best pictures of ourselves, share our success, the Good News, brag about our trips, our holidays, our new belongings, whatever would make others envy us, envy our lives. Try to cover up the not so good aspect of our lives.
In the meantime life is happening behind the scenes, behind the logged out screen of Facebook.
This might not be the reality for many of my students, for many of the younger generation but they will catch up with time, too.
Life has it's cycles. There is a time for schooling, getting your first job, seeing the world, meeting The One, there is a time for getting married, starting a family, buying your first home, having your children then being fired from your job, being depressed, getting sick, relationship break ups, loosing your best friend, separation, divorce, your parents divorcing, finding a new job, getting cancer, your parents passing away, your children growing up and going through the same cycle. For some, things don't happen at the usual time line but earlier or later, depending how "lucky" you happen to be. It makes a big difference how good family and friend network you have to support you through tough times in life.
I lost my parents and loved ones very early in life. I also left behind everyone when I came to Australia. I am pretty much well trained in grief, if I may say it like this. Maybe this made me distance myself more as a protection. Lost enough people whom I loved dearly.
However, I remember the day when on Facebook I learnt about the passing of a dear mentor and friend. I was stoned. Somehow you think, everyone is immortal on Facebook, no bad happens to anyone but only on the news and your friends will be there with you forever. It was really hard what and how to respond. However, the best came out as people responded genuinely, honestly and very warmly. His page became a memorial page to his life. I don't know how much comfort his wife and family got from it. I think Facebook is the last thing you want to see when you lost a loved one. Real real human interaction and support is what you want in those times.
Not long ago a friend of mine, similar age, lost her husband due to cancer. There were some lovely, very touching posts from her about his passing, his life and her memories about him. People were really good expressing their empathy and sympathy. For me, it was obvious that my friend needed to get it out on Facebook and share it with her circle of influence. Honestly, I was glad she did it. For many reasons. Most importantly, for her sake. Writing it out, expressing yourself in whatever way you feel like has a healing, cleansing effect. Just get it out. Shout, cry if you need to. There is always enough time for quiet contemplation. There is enough time when you are alone. The nights are long enough...
We also had a chance to see how the days, weeks and months brought comfort and how my friend busied herself and built herself up after her loss. She is the type of person who learnt to appreciate the smallest things in life. A sunrise, a beautiful bird, the unique Australian landscape, a visit of a friend, a good chat and a cup of tea or a lovely sunset, she took it all in and she appreciated it. She was grateful for every day, even without her husband. She taught us a lesson too.
My other big topic is ageing. And especially ageing women. I really think that Facebook has a huge role in changing the culture. Just the other day I watched 60 mins. There was an interview that Ray Martin did with someone. I noticed that he is not getting younger either. But while I was looking the wrinkled face of this interviewer, I wondered what happened to his female colleagues of the same age? You simply do not see old female TV personalities. They get booted as soon as they loose their freshness. The only ageing women you see is the SBS reporter, Lee Li Chin. She is quite a character and a fantastic TV personality, I think that saves her! I hope that time comes when all ages and races will be much better represented in Australian TV and movies. Ageing is natural. Those of us who live long long enough to age are the lucky ones. Many people have not been that lucky and left us way too early. Ageing also gives you a chance to become who you really supposed to be.
There are some really great examples in the film industry, where actors like brilliant Maggie Smith and Meryl Streep are changing the role of older female actors. Maggie Smith is the Grand Lady and whatever she takes on, makes it a success. Be it Downton Abbey or The best exotic Marigold Hotel. Meryl Streep is showing the world that ageing women can be funny, sexy, clever and presentable on screen. Unfortunately, men can just be themselves and age. No hairdo, no make up, no waxing, no fancy clothes. Women, on the other hand, constantly need to face the expectations that century long conditioning put on us. For example, a few minutes after birth you need to be back in shape and be a Super Mum. A woman is like the Hindu's multiple-armed Goddess of Durga! Life for women is like Big Brother constantly watching!
Let's stop here for a moment. Celebrities. Our lives on Facebook is a little like the life of celebrities. Sunshine, fast cars, big house, women and travel. The perfect life! How far is it from reality? Wrinkles, orange skin, fat bulges, sickness can't be part of it. Don't even try unemployment, financial troubles, sickness and death. Most people just scroll. It's too hard! However, this is the time when you would know who your real friends are. Because most of the many hundred friends you have on Facebook CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! That's when you should cull and keep the ones that support you. The rest is just garnish!
Anything that is a little bit more heavy topic, like politics, climate change, education, health care or the darker side of your life will be taboo. For most of them. Some will even un-friend you if you carry on too long on those topics.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am not one who likes to be bombarded by tragic news, political news, negative posts or tragedies of life. There is enough of that everywhere. I like positive, uplifting and happy things on Facebook and in life. However, I think it is also a mistake to live up in the clouds and totally ignore reality. It is a mistake to ignore the cries of my friends for help, for support. Otherwise Facebook is really junk, useless and unreal, virtual gathering of people you know.
There has to be a balance and reality. Of course, there is a limit how much bad news or whinging you can take from your friends. But we need to feel connected and real for Facebook and our life to make sense. We need to be able to handle the truth. Does not matter how unpleasant or tragic it can be at times. Pain is necessary to feel alive and to appreciate when things go well.
I must admit, I really enjoyed Facebook before beautiful pictures and funny videos took over my wall. There were more honest, interesting and real life posts from my friends. Then 'celebrity life' took over. It became a competition of who can find nicer, better, bigger or more interesting photos or videos. It became a delusional place. An imaginery, dream scene where we go to escape from reality. Many times when I scroll I scroll the pictures and videos and look for words. My friends own words. There is a limit how many cute cats, dogs, baby photos or beautiful landscapes you want to see. I really enjoy posts of friends with special interests other than cats, dogs, recipes and babies although I like them, too. Anything, just be different is good! God, sometimes what a relief to be a musician!
I am sure that some of my friends feel the same way, here she goes again about music! But you see, variety, being different, loving and caring about different things is good!
It just shows that your truth and my truth are not the same.
Facebook's truth? It teaches you to question everything!
